Science ruins everything

If you're under the age of 40, this is what a velociraptor looks like to you. If you're under the age of 25, you probably recongnize this from your nightmares. In either case, this asshole represents the perfect killing machine, a six-foot turkey that will chat with his buddies to coordinate an attack that will spill your intestines all over the floor and have you eaten alive before you've even had the chance to blink.

And they looked exactly like that.

Except last week, some Mongolian scientists with grant money apparently earmarked for the destruction of childhood dreams announced that they found some quill knobs on some raptor bones, which means they had feathers. Yeah, we've seen the Discovery Channel specials that postulated they had feathers, and it would make sense, but CNN had to go and splash this story all over their front page. So I guess that makes it real. For some reason, this means so much more to me than the declassification of that homo Pluto. Pluto's millions of miles away. Raptors are real, man. Raptors are the reason I'm scared to go in restaurant kitchens and why I opened doors with a curled middle finger from the ages of five to 10. Science blows.