In the Year 2000... (Vol. 2)

The story: I bought some Sun tabloids five years ago to see the future. Now I'm using the power of 20/20 hindsight (it's a bitch sometimes) to how screwed up Earth should have been by now. We ran the first part a few weeks ago, and you can ch-ch-ch-check it out here. Let's look forward to the past with noted soothsayer and total hottie the Virgin of Guadalupe, shall we?

Selected predictions for 2003 from the Virgin of Guadalupe

+ "A Japanese toy manufacturer will face international criminal charges when scientists discover popular video games actually conceal mind-control programming targeted at young consumers."

False. All the time spent during my youth feverishly leveling up my Pokemon and crying into my pillow for Aeris can't be blamed on the fine, fine tobacco-fueled geniuses at places like Game Freak and Square. Those dolts who play Dance Dance Revolution, though, yeah, that's gotta be mind-control. Nobody could ever want to look like that. As far as facing charges go, no way in hell, Latina Mary. The international courts heart Katamari just as much as everyone else.

+ "Religious extremists will set off a small nuclear bomb near one of Israel's most sacred cities in an attempt to bring on the Biblical Armageddon. Instead, those responsible will be captured in a Midwestern city and brought before an international tribunal."

Uncertain. Wow, Miss Virgin, way to go out on a limb. An explosion in the Middle East. She's for real. Honestly, though, this easily could have happened and I just missed it on all the CNN I never watch. There's shit blowing up over there all the time. Lot of rock-throwing, too. And apparently Our Lady saw a lot of international cooperation with worldwide crime fighting, what with all the tribunals and everything. Huh. Maybe she's not such a great fortuneteller after all. Maybe this whole newspaper's full of crap.

+ "The War on Terror will come to a conclusive end in 2003 when a gentle nun from Indian bravely sacrifices her own life for the cause of global peace."

Confirmed. This picture was taken on May 1, 2003. The nun thing...that's what happened then, right?