My new wardrobe

So in case your browser's scrolling capacity is broken and can't move down three posts, Josh and I are going to Monday Night Raw in Louisville in a month. As he pointed out, we already have our clothing picked out and just to clarify: I gotta wear my nWo Wolfpac shirt. It's not "Wolfpac for a short period of time until the company folds," it's "Wolfpac 4 LIFE." Just saying.

But if you're in the market for a WWE/WWF-themed addition to your wardrobe, Ebay never disappoints. Let's look, shall we?

The Goldust shirt. Somehow, the WWF managed to actually put the androgyny, gaudiness and sexual confusion of the real Goldust into a T-shirt. I dunno, when you're a 12-year-old kid watching every show the WWF put on, Goldust creeped you right the hell out.

T-shirt design has come a long way since the days of Scott Hall pretended be Cuban. And here's hoping that odd yellow color comes from the original design and not, y'know, the dude you're buying it from. Maybe that's just the machismo. It does ooze, after all.

Take your Get Smart and Scorpion King and SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. This shirt calls back to a simpler time, when the People's Champ had just started out and the only thing he was cooking was a big bowl of shit. This is what I'd wear if I met the real Dwayne Johnson. It might get a smirk out of him.

Out of all the shirts in this post, this is my favorite. I miss when a) the WWF logo looked like this, b) Absolut parodies were cool and c) girls wore jorts and it was hot. Sunny was one of the first Divas and this shirt says "I have keen sense of history and like women who make me think of Amy Grant." She does that for me, at least.

Finally, the pièce de résistance: the tie-dye, probably not licensed, oddly proportioned nWo Wolfpac shirt. Anyone wearing this would never have to use a pickup line ever again. But that's not all:

They put wolves in the numbers. Lemme repeat that. They put wolves in the numbers. I don't care if this shirt is really licensed or real or what, but in my world it's too legit...too legit to quit. It combines the elements of a jersey, a wrestling shirt and 1960's counterculture and it kicks all of our asses. It's sad to know that no matter what professional field I enter or how well my children do, I'll never create anything this beautiful. But that's life. And it's a bitch.