How it should have went down in 1865

The Way Things Should Have Happened by Ghost Abraham Lincoln

Ford’s Theater - Night (1865) - Presidential Box

Abraham Lincoln sits watching the stage play, “My America Cousin”. John Wilkes Booth stealthily sneaks into the presidential box and fires a gun into the back of Lincoln’s head.

John: Sic Semper Tyranus!

BAM! A shot rings out in the theater. There is silence. Slowly Lincoln turns around.

Lincoln: Nice Try Fucktard. Good thing I wore this Bulletproof Hat. Now why don’t you drop that gun sweetheart and lets fight like men.

Lincoln takes a defensive karate stance, he then roundhouse kicks John Wilkes Booth’s head off his body onto the stage.

Lincoln: Now that’s what I call a show! (To the actors on stage) Let’s wrap this puppy up, so I can get wasted and have sex with Emma Rossblum*

*Historical Note: Emma Rossblum in her time is equilvalent to our Jessica Alba.

The crowd cheers. Lincoln gives the thumbs up to a young boy, who gives him a knowing look (Author’s Note: Just from the knowing look we assume that the young boy is a time traveller who in attempt to not do his homework about Lincoln’s assassination, created a time machine and warned Lincoln about the assasination.)

MUSIC: Kenny Loggins “I’m Alright” Kicks in!

The End

Written by Ghost Abraham Lincoln

Via Paul Scheer He's the best.