Hello, My Name is Bill Murray Pt. 3

It's been a long time since we've heard from Bill Murray. Hopefully, you haven't forgotten him. And I doubt you will after reading this.

It was January, 2001, and young Bill Murray had taken the last seat at his local dive bar. On the stool next to him was a large-breasted woman who was smashed on wine. Bill was in the right spot at the right time, as always, and ended up making small talk where all other eager patrons had failed. The woman, let's call her "Stella", was about to drive home drunk. Bill did the upstanding gentleman act, and called her a cab. And off she went, never to be seen again, or so Bill thought.

Two nights later, same seat, same dive bar, in walks Stella. Surprisingly, she remembers Bill, and proceeds to make conversation. It's not long before she is shitfaced on wine, yet again. This time, she confides in Bill that she's recently single and thinks that he's sweet. Bill knows, just like the rest of us, that the sweet line may as well be the kiss of death. Nevertheless, Bill soldiered on, keeping the chat going, and slyly slipping his phone number to her. He called her a cab for the second time, as she was in no shape to stand up, let alone drive.

The next day Bill got the call he wasn't expecting. Stella had taken the bait. She told Bill about how she had won a radio promotion that included two 10th row seats to a Madonna concert, hotel package included. She was going to sell the tickets but wondered if Bill would want to go, if he bought his plane ticket. Bill being a fan of "True Blue" era Madonna, couldn't resist. So they had a date, but it was still a month away. Bill took the initiative and asked if she'd like to go out over the weekend. Stella mentioned there was a club she would like to go to if he was interested. Sure, Bill thought, never entering a club he didn't like.

Bill arrived at Stella's house a few minutes early. She changed her top in front of Bill, giving him an eyeful of the rather expansive mountains on her chest. Nervously, Bill apologized, not used to seeing that much skin before paying for dinner. Stella replied with the old, "It's not like you haven't seen some before, right". Bill realized then and there that this might turn out to be a good night. Upon leaving the apartment, Stella told Bill he might want to hit an ATM, because it cost 40 dollars to get into this club. Bill wondered what kind of cover charge that was, but didn't want to look cheap.

After withdrawal, Bill headed downtown following her directions. As he creeped further into downtown, Bill realized he was approaching the "bad part of town". He asked Stella where they were going and she told him it was a surprise. She had her own bottle of wine with her, apparently the club was BYOB, which made Bill more nervous. What club costs $40 to enter, has a BYOB policy, and is past 14th street? When Bill got to the parking lot he gazed upon the club, a shit-your-pants-scary looking warehouse. Bill was trying to keep his cool, but when he went to the door he started to lose it. At this point, Bill fully expected to get knocked over the head with the wine bottle and tortured.

The door had a thin slit that opened up after Stella knocked three times. Stella said the password and they walked in, got patted down by a security guard and went through a metal detector. Bill followed Stella through a dark room full of couches to a kitchen. Out of the corner of his eye, Bill thought he saw a naked woman run past.

Bill laughed awkwardly, mentioning the naked woman to Stella. She looked at him with a devilish grin. Then Stella informed Bill that he was in a swingers club. The realization hit Bill, and it was suddenly very warm in there. Stella took Bill on the grand tour. One room featured a group of bikers, cheering on two lesbians with a loud chant of "GET IT, GET IT, GET IT"! Another room had a hot tub, with a lone, 285 pound woman, occupying most of it's space. Bill thought of the sanitary condition of the hot tub and his skin crawled. Before he could get that image out of his head, Stella was greeting by an attractive, buxom blonde in her late 20's, along with her middle-aged, business man husband. Stella knew this gal from another party, so they decided to hit up a room together.

Bill was excited. Two hot girls, a bed, and no rules. Then he looked over at the older man. The thought of his wrinkly old man balls immediately killed any excitement Bill had mustered. The business man then left the room to get a drink and the color returned to Bill's face. The girls proceeded to go at it, and the other woman asked Stella if Bill wanted to join in. Stella told her it was their first date, leading to her getting scolded for bringing him there without filling him in. Stella replied with, "don't worry, I'm going to fuck his brains out later tonight". Bill had a shit-eating grin a mile wide as he watched the two women go at it. What a first date this had turned into.

Later that night, Bill did indeed get his brains fucked out. And he did go to the Madonna concert. He also attended a few swinger parties in Lexington, that were even more disturbing than the first one. Bill continued seeing Stella for about six months, until he realized she was a drunk. She moved away and he never called her back.