I spent six weeks in Louisville on my winter break from my school, away from my house in Ohio. All of my roommates were gone, so we pretty much had an empty house ripe for burglars--not uncommon in a college town, particularly one on a quarter system. Nobody broke into our house or anything but it got me thinking: If anyone stole my shit, would I care?I had a few things I left in Athens: my limited edition White Stripes/Raconteurs posters and cameras, Rita, and some other autographed stuff, but I brought to Louisville everything else inanimate that I love: laptop, television, 360...that's about it (I realize that all of these things are easily replaceable, while the other things aren't. Didn't say it made sense).
Which is to say, I don't love a great many things.
Unfortunately, some recent news articles made clear that two of the things I do love will be taken from me very shortly.
This is Sparks. I introduced some of you at the Hot Hot Japan Hot party last summer to the joys of Sparks. Sparks, you see, is an energy drink, with your standard assortment of caffeine, guarana, taurine, ginseng all that nonsense. BUT. It is also 6 percent alcohol. And it tastes like Pixy Stix. They even make sugar-free and increased alcohol versions. Without overstating it, Sparks takes a place next to the cotton gin and Flash video technology as the greatest inventions in Western civilization.Unfortunately, the Cleveland Examiner ran a story a couple days ago detailing how MillerCoors are soon de-Sparking God's nectar, as it were. Seems that people drink Sparks, then mistake their newfound energy and alertness for sobriety, then go drive around. People are fucking stupid.
Look, I know it's terrible for your heart and liver and blood and makes your mouth turn orange and is probably made from the harvested puppy dog tails of little Indonesian girls. I don't know what that means. I'm just bummed out, is all. My whole drinking routine's down the shitter. I think I'm going to try coke, see how energetic that gets me. Out of spite. Suck on that, Andrew Cuomo. Eat a dick.
In case that wasn't enough, the recent sale of some of publisher Ziff-Davis's assets will result in the shutdown of magazine Electronic Gaming Monthly. I'll admit, I haven't been an incredibly loyal reader lately (though I was a recent subscriber thanks to a friend signing me up for a free subscription as "Mr. Great Greasy Nipples") but from the ages of 11-14 you couldn't tear me away from that fucking magazine. I couldn't afford video games and hated entire genres, but that magazine was it. It was funny, fair, accurate and consistent. And now it's gone. That's definitely a bastion of my admittedly fairly recent childhood taking a 2x4 to the dome. Such is life, I guess.
I found out about EGM yesterday and Sparks a day before that. What will die today? Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job? Chicken wings? Wet T-shirts? It's a little defeating.
I think John McClane said it best: "Oh man, I can't fucking believe this. Another basement, another elevator. How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice?"
Amen, brother.
2 comments:
ahhh..EGM was the best magazine when Mortal Kombat was big. They would list all the fatalities. I subscribed to it at one point, I think.
And SPARKS is a great drink. Sucks they are getting rid of it. However, might I recommend FOUR, which is just as taste with all the same ingredients, + wormwood.
EGM is dead. Long live EGM.
My first issue was May '91, with Sonic on the cover.
Two months earlier though, and I would've had the goddamned Battletoads!
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