Presenting...the Hot Hot Japan Hot 2009 Holiday Toy Guide

Alright, you've got less than three weeks until Christmas and you don't know what to get for the toy lover in your life. I can help. And that should probably read "toy-lover," not "toy lover," unless, you know, you actually have an inflatable special friend. But they don't really need gifts. Or do they?

This post has gotten way off track. Ok. Back to the gift guide.

Toys! Let's look at some!One smart thing Parker Brothers did in the past couple of years was take every fucking board game in their library and make it girly so they could sell multiple copies of the same game. It's a bold lame move, pioneered by Milton Bradley them when they took Monopoly and slapped the logo of whatever university, production studio or halfway house shelled out 20 bucks on a new version of the game. So yeah, Ouija boards for girls. Ask your dead grandma who's going to be your "best friend forever," as the back of the box suggests (not the dead grandma part, but it does recommend you ask about your future BFF. Really). They even have cards with questions for you to ask, in case...you...can't...think...of...questions. Moving on.
Truth time. I've never watched an episode of Gossip Girl (unlike Josh! Teeheehee!), but there's no better way to encourage viewership of the show than to make a kiddie version of the game that lesbian pornography pretty much built an empire off of. I wish I knew how many preteen friendships will die at the hands of this monster. Also, souls. Lots and lots of souls were probably harvested from the people who had to work on this.
You've probably realized that these aren't really serious suggestions. This, however, is. It's the Little Tikes Pop Tunes Melody Beads Piano and it is awesome. What's it do? Well, it's for toddlers and little kids who just bang on things, but instead of infernal bloops and bleeps, it plays "Message in a Bottle" by The Police, "The Final Countdown" by Europe and "Wide Open Spaces" by the Dixie Chicks. That last one's kind of a head-scratcher, but it's tolerable. The Police! Europe! Your kid can be exposed to music that doesn't suck early! Seriously, even if you have to buy a gift for a kid that's not yours, go with this one. The parents won't hate you, at least. They also have a guitar, drums and bigger keyboard with other songs, too. Good move, Little Tikes. Good move.
Officially, this is called the "Barbie Collector Doll Pink Label E! Live from the Red Carpet Dress by Badgley Mischka Doll" and it's $40 bucks. Badgley Mischka. That's easy for children to say. I'm guessing it's not really for children, which is cool. I own several things that toy stores carry, like this. This just seems...a bit much. Different strokes to move the world, I guess. And it's pretty hot, y'know, for a doll.

The magical world of reading can open millions of doors for a child. Let's start them on their lifelong phonics adventure by introducing them to the word "ridonculous" with a cartoon dog voiced by John Travolta. Who cares if they don't have a firm grasp of the real word? Real words are for nerds who get their books dumped. Your bundle of joy will be insufferable by the time he/she hits kindergarten if they keep up slingin' slang all over the place. Nice job, parent. If you got this book for a child in real life (not snarky blog life), it's perfectly fine. Just balance it out with some old stuffy British books for kids and everything'll be restored to normal. They'll hate reading so fast they'll never learn new words again.

Ok, last one. And I've never played this and I bet it sucks. I put this here really just to say that someone cracked open the locking plastic case and cut off some of the cellophane to steal this game from the place I work. To recap: Someone risked getting caught and prosecuted to steal Hasbro Family Game Night for the Playstation 2. WAS IT YOU, JERMBRO?!

Don't worry. I'll catch you. Whoever you are.

As for the rest of you, Happy Holidays and good luck shopping.