Letter from George Lucas

From: George Lucas

To: Steven Spielberg

Re: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull


Steve-o,

Let me begin by saying how THRILLED I am to begin working on our fourth installment of the Indiana Jones trilogy. I don't care what the critics say, if there's one thing that The Phantom Menace proved, it's that I know how to take beloved characters, put them in fresh situations and surround them with new, interesting characters--all without tarnishing the legacy of the original and disappointing fans who've waited a quarter of a century for a new adventure. Screw the critics! And, screw the bloggers, too!

I'll start with the elephant in the room-Harrison Ford's age. On the screen we can fudge a 66 year old geezer playing an action hero, but we can't do it in real life. An actor of his age has "special needs". Specifically, we're replacing the traditional Craft Services Table to feed the cast and crew with an Early Bird Special. Keep it under your hat, but Harrison's people are insisting on soft foods only.

In this movie, Indy is mostly battling Russians, but the final shooting script may include some Nazi references. I know you've depicted Nazis in other projects you've worked on subsequent to the original Indy trilogy, so to be on the safe side I offer this quick reminder:

-Benign, vaguely-threatening Raiders/Lost Crusade Nazis = Good
-Sadistic, Holocaust-causing Schindler's List Nazis = Bad

Bad news: Sean Connery turned down a chance to reprise his role as Indiana Jones' father. He said that if America wants to see a past-their-prime senior desperately trying to cling to their youth this summer, they'll just go and see Kim Cattrall in the Sex and the City movie.

Good news: Karen Allen said she's got room in her busy schedule to reprise the role of Marion Ravenwood from Raiders...assuming she can get another waitress to cover he shifts at Ruby Tuesday.

You know, when I direct, I always like to cast at least one truly mediocre actor like Mark Hamill, Jake Lloyd, or Hayden Christensen. That way I can be sure his performance doesn't distract the audience from all the cool special effects. You should try to use the same method when you direct this film. Which reminds me, did we get Shia LaBeouf?

I'm still working on the obligatory "Indy Gets Jammed Into An Uncomfortably Tight Space Filled With Icky, Creepy Things" scene. But, we already did snakes, spiders, insects, and rats in the earlier flicks, and I'm running out of ideas. Hey, here's a thought: what if we had him sit next to then-Vice President Richard Nixon in a men's sauna?

Well, I guess that's about it. Needless to say, I'm really excited. I know the budget on this baby is high, but don't worry. I'm using the Star Wars business model: in 15 years I can needlessly update the film with 20 seconds worth of new, cheesy computer effects and charge all those nostalgic suckers another 12 bucks to see the "Special Edition". Ka-ching! Ka-ching! Ka-ching!

Yours,
George


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This letter was published by MAD magazine, so it has to be authentic.