A heart warming story of a man having sex with his beloved patio furniture

The best thing is when the officer describes how he had sex with the table. I have a few questions though.
A. How do you explain to your kitchen table that you've been having sex with your patio table?
B. How do you explain to your wife that you've been having sex with your patio table?
C. How do you explain to your kids that all of their friends saw you having sex with the patio table?
D. What happened to masturbating to Beta Max porno?