Cootsdaddy in Hollywood-Part 2

Sunday: I awoke with the worst crick in my neck ever. I skipped taking a shower at the Sunset 8 for fear of STD's on the shower floor. Jimmy even pissed in a Gatorade jug over using the bathroom. We packed our shit back into the Pontiac Vibe and headed to Starbucks for coffee, leaving the piss jug behind. We got a spot and were walking toward the building when I saw a lady accost the driver of a van that parked way too closely to her car. She said "Are you fucking crazy? How are you going to get your fat ass out of that van without denting my brand new BMW?" Dumbfounded, the grizzled van driver threw it in reverse and backed away slowly in defeat.

Out of the corner of my eye I spotted Elvira, who was responsible for more boners in my youth than any other mistress of the dark. Her ageless beauty adorned a huge billboard for "Out of the Closet Thrift Stores". In Hollywood, they have a gay specific thrift store chain. I thought the name was pretty clever. Right next to the sign was the actual store, which offered rapid HIV testing, as well as Village People costumes for Halloween. Come to think of it, I saw signs everywhere in the city for rapid HIV testing.

After thinking about dead babies and HIV as opposed to Elvira's boner inducing chest, we made our way toward Universal Studios Hollywood. After parking in the Frankenstein lot, we made our way to the coolest outdoor mall ever. It was like Fourth Street Live, if it were in California, had millions more for budget and was on lots and lots of cocaine. It had everything, even a Hot Topic. Jimmy was relieved to find a slice of home and immediately went in to buy up all their small Hellraiser shirts. While there, we saw that Elvira herself would be doing an in-store signing on Friday, three days after we'd be gone. I realized at this point that God truly does enjoy torturing me for not believing in him.

I walked outside in an severe state of depression. Just then Jimmy ran out all in a tizzy. "Fucking Uncle Jesse is in there", he said. John Stamos? We come all the way to California in hopes of seeing a celebrity and the best we can do is Uncle Jesse? Oh well, it was random, and we all like random, right? I had my trusty camera slung low, ready to get some footage of Mr. Stamos, in all his low-key glory. With a hat and shades on, you could tell he didn't want to be bothered as he and his girlfriend went shopping. She didn't hold a candle to his ex-wife, that's for sure. Poor guy. Only when I got home three days later did I realize that I had fucked up and not hit the record button. This is why I'm the worst camera man ever. Sigh.

After the Stamos left the building we made our way to the park, for a nice, long, bi-lingual day of rides and live attractions. Our ride around the studio lot was hosted by a fat Jake Gyllenhal look-alike. He seemed quite bitter, probably a failed actor. Actually, everyone working in that park is probably a failed actor/actress. I kept imagining that he'd hop off in a middle of a tour and charge onto a studio set in hopes of impressing a director. Sadly, he never did. I did get to see where they filmed part of Heroes though, so that was nerd-tastic. Scrubs was filming in the park, but I didn't see any of the principal actors. We saw everyone from Spiderman to dead burnt up lesbian zombies while there. It was well worth the 65 dollar price of admission.

On the way back we ate at a Jack in the Box, whose mascot is even creepier than the Burger King guy. Their burgers actually have a special "jack sauce" on them, and no, it did not taste good. We walked into a Borders next door and got to see a fun slice of life. A huge black woman and her smaller, bearded white boyfriend were arguing quite loudly. The woman said "Go ahead and shut me up motherfucker, I dare you, see if you can make me!" He finally had enough and punched her. That's when she started waylaying his ass in a beat down unlike I had ever seen. It was fucking brutal. It took three Borders employees to pull her off of him. Ahhh, three cheers for domestic violence.

After that we found a Motel 6 to check into, which seemed like a palatial estate compared to were we had been. End of day two... to be concluded on Monday.